:: Hey....He Puts Weasels Down His Trousers! ::

:: 7.30.2003 ::

It's been an interesting week, to say the least.

No new books. (Well, started I Ching and read something on the Atkins Diet) No new movies. (No TV at all, actually)

Just a bit taken aback.

Spending this week at 'chelle's place. The Brood is over at the Compound, and That means two nephews and a niece packed into what is a small place.

Michelle gave me the option, and damn straight I took it. Over at her apartment for a week.

Elerah and Eloric are going to be here this weekend, so it's going to be a bit cramped, but doubt that we actually stay inside much. Might take Eloric to the Hometown so that he can try out a round of golf at Norton Knolls. Unsure, yet. 'chelle wants me around a bit more this weekend, apparently.

I think it's because I did the dishes today. *nod*

Getting a bit peeved with some friends. Not majorly peeved, but just wondering why the effort given on my end isn't the same as what is given on theirs.

Seems like I have to do the travelling, I have to be the one that soaks up the gasoline cost for visits. None of them want to journey either to the compound or TH. Which are the two places I would be, naturally. Doesn't strike me as being fair. Hell, I'm practically unemployed. They have jobs. So money isn't exactly a cogent argument.

This may cost a few, but I don't think I'm going to play that game anymore. If I happen to be in town, maybe I will stop by.

=================

Happier (maybe) note:

Michelle and I may be going to San Diego this September. Two very good friends of mine, Zane and Rhiannon, are getting hitched.

My buddy Tom Chee said that 'chelle and I could stay at his apartment, couple other friends have made sure to tell me that they'd spring for our dinner on a night. (Hell, Chee said he'd spring for Claim Jumper. For those familiar with Claim Jumper, that would be a *must do*)

I'm hoping we can spring it. I'm hoping that I have a job by then -- it's only a month away, so it's not really all that long.

If not, we can always do something else. Maybe head to Carbondale for a while. Introduce her to a few of my friends from down there. Give her a taste of what *real* hickdom is. TH or Mville isn't anything like what's in SoIll.


Yeah, this is a throwback entry. Like I stated-- no movies, no new books.

/me



:: Cameron 7/30/2003 07:20:25 PM [+] ::
...

Newest movie that I've seen: The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

Some nitpicks here.

A) The post-climax ending kinda blew. Left it open for a sequel, but still blew.
B) Didn't like the ending of mystery about Ms. Harker.
C) Harker a chemist? When Dr. Henry Jekyll is there? What in the blue blazes?
D) Quartermain? Not an opium addict? Dammit.
E) Didn't like the invisible man not knocking up the school chicks, either. I know, I know. I'm a bastard.
F) Tom Sawyer? Christ. He'd only be like 80 years old in the time frame of this show.

Good Things:
A) Hyde. Hyde rules.
B) Dorian Grey. I like Wilde's book, I liked Stuart Townsend in the movie.
C) Sean Connery as Quartermain. Yeah, they screwed up the opium addict beginning, but Connery was a very good Quartermain.
D) The Nautilus and Captain Nemo.
E) The Steampunk setting. I've always had a soft spot for Steampunk.

Went to see it with 'chelle and Shannon. Nathan should have been there, but he didn't show. Poor li'l bastard.

Rev didn't like it, told me to avoid it. Rev was wrong.

Without the knowledge of the comic, it's a very strong movie. Looking forward to an LXG 2, sort of. Hopefully they'll introduce John Carter, Warlord of Mars, the Time Traveller, and Randolph Carter, this quiet gentleman from Providence.



:: Cameron 7/28/2003 07:51:42 PM [+] ::
...

Books read recently: Dreams of Terror and Death by HP Lovecraft | Holes by Louis Sachar | The Finder's Stone Trilogy by Kate Novak and Jeff Grubb | Cthulhu 2000 by various | The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas | Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman | Coraline by Neil Gaiman | Stardust by Neil Gaiman

I read far too fast for a complete recap of novels read the past couple of weeks, but those are the ones that I remember clearly. I started to read Anne Rice's book (as Ann Rampling) Exit to Eden, but I suddenly realized why I don't like Anne Rice. Her dialogue is truly horrendous. It's why I couldn't get into the Vampire books and it's why I couldn't get behind her smut either.

One thing I can't understand in modern "literature" (mostly in the pulp stuff, but it's pervaded pretty much all forms of culture now) is the romanticization of the vampire legend. Varney wasn't exactly a suave smooth operator, although Vlad did have a lot of style.

But more recently, vampires have become sexy. You can see it all around. The pale black look that bespeaks anorexia, only coming out at night, etc. Beats hell out of me how sucking blood from another became sexy. The seductive aspects of the "modern" vampire I do understand. I just have a hard time coming to realize how in the world that a rotting creature stinking of gravemould can be a romantic ideal.

Which is, of course, another reason why I dislike Anne Rice's vampire books. Maybe it's just because I'm not female. I dunno.

Succubi, on the other hand....

_______________________________

Movies I've seen recently, whether in theatre or DVD:

Pirates of the Caribbean | Terminator 3 | The Hulk | Traffic | Memento | Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl | Blade Runner | Suicide Kings | Army of Darkness | Big Trouble in Little China | X-Files: Fight the Future

I was pleasantly surprised by PotC. Johnny Depp is surrounded by one of the largest anti-suck fields any actor has ever had. Whether as Edward Scissorhands, Captain Jack Sparrow, or Ichabod Crane, Depp is a master at taking a character and making it his own.

Pirates had its moments that snapped me out of my suspension of disbelief, but they were few and far between. I'm a bit more discerning than my friends, so they had a great time at the show. Me, I had a really good time, with the exception of the holes that I spotted. I'd highly recommend Pirates to anyone, really. A good fun time.

__________________________________

My computer is slowly dying. It's a fact. The Grim Parser can be seen out of the corner of your eye when you look at Arachne. The poor hard drives nestled within her aluminum case are trying their damnedest to buy me some time until I find a job to replace them.

There will be changes to Arachne at that eventuality.

For one, I'm finally ditching Windows Me. While I have very few problems with ME, a lot of other people have. I really don't want to upgrade DirectX one day and find everything lost-- especially on the tetchy hard drives currently consisting of the storage area.

I'll be running Windows 2000 Professional. My baseball league would suffer if I did this normally, as the sim engine we use (Sierra Sports Fantasy Pro Sports Baseball 98) won't run under Win2K (or NT, or XP). VMWare is a wonderful invention, however. It will enable me to emulate Windows Me (or 98) from within Windows 2000 Pro. And yes, I legally own all this software.

I'm a geek. Not a thief.

And don't get started on "how pirating isn't the same as stealing." It is. People spent long hours developing that software you have on your computer illegally. I believe they should be paid for their work. The GIMP is a great piece of image-manipulation/creation software. Why pirate Photoshop when you have a great editor available for free?

"Oh, but the programmers were already paid! Why should I contribute to the pockets of a large corporation (Adobe, Microsoft, EASports, etc.) when I can download this for free?"

Because without those companies, that piece of software you enjoy so much wouldn't exist. They brought the programmers together to create that. (With the exception of Photoshop, which was created by programmers working on the movie "The Abyss")

If you want something free, check out the public-domain stuff. GNU licensing. Don't insult your intelligence or mine or anyone's by arguing that "Information should be free for all!" It's never been that way and it will never be that way.

You just don't want to pay for it, so it should be free. Pardon me while I scoff at your "lofty morals."


/me




:: Cameron 7/24/2003 07:47:31 PM [+] ::
...

Surprised Michelle today.

Went to TH to turn in a resume. My resume paper was at her apartment-- and she's been going into work early this week.

Well, she was still there. Which put a damper on my original plans, which were to print off a resume, turn it in, go buy a rose and show up at her job with it. To surprise her.

So stealthily I unlocked her door and went to open it.

*bam*

I forgot to unlock the deadbolt. Dammit. There went any semblance of stealth.

So, I knocked and covered up the peephole. She opened the door, and was pleasantly surprised, but not as surprised as I wanted her to be. ;-)

Printed off my resume, and made her late for work. Which I hate doing, but I hadn't seen her for a whole day lords, gods and minor deities!

Ok, so it wasn't that bad.

But when we get to talking 'n' stuff, it makes the time fly. So I made her late for work. Which was really stupid of me, because she's putting in long hours during the week to be able to come over Thurs. night. Which she'll still do, but she'll be an hour short on her paycheck (from what she wanted) 'cuz I came over. *sigh*

-------------------------------------

Very short period of time before I just say "fuck it" and go with a job that doesn't have anything to do with what I'm trained, qualified, and good at.

I've gotten some great feedback from my resume, hell, an ISP in TH called me to say they liked it. But, alas, "no openings at this time." It's getting really fucking annoying and disheartening. I know I'm good enough to work it. I know that I'm qualified, I fucking know that anyone that hires me is going to get great damned value and someone that wants to stick around instead of someone that just wants resume fodder 'til s/he can move on to "greener pastures."

That's what is annoying. No openings. Fuck. I've got nothing that can wheedle my way into that fucking crack and make them see what kind of employee they'd be getting.

Almost ready to fucking throw in the towel and go to factory. I /know/ those places are always fucking hiring.

-----------------------------------

To the delight of most of the readers of this here page, I don't think I'm going to discuss my issues in re: my current relationship on here. Anecdotes, surely. But not the issues. I'm really not sure that this is the forum.

It turns into a blogging version of "Now go here for the rest of the story" with here being 'chelle's blog. We say the things that need to be said to each other. We're either repeating things on here, or saying things that need to be said face-to-face on here instead of in person.

I'm more a fan of personal communication, not comfortable yet with "conversation by blog." This in no way is meant to stop Michelle from doing the same, I'm just not all that certain that the people that read this drivel (my whole blog== drivel) really want to hear about my personal problems and issues with things that Michelle does. If you /want/ to read about problems 'tween a relationship, go to http://homepage.ntlworld.com/mil.millington/ and laugh yourself silly.

I've diverged 100% from what I wanted this blog to be. While I've started to enjoy and even accept it being an online quasi-diary, I think I've let myself become a bit too personal on here. Those that Need To Know, already know or will soon. Those That Don't or Those That I Have No Wish To Know One Damn Thing About Me Except Maybe My Name, well, I'm not going to be the one to tell 'em.

This is a conclusion I've been coming to for about two weeks now. Michelle and I communicate wonderfully. I hope. S'all you can do, is hope that issues become topics for conversation from both sides of the coin.

But something's got to give, and I think the amount of /me/ I pour into this printed word is going to lessen a bit. I could be wrong-- never know how I'll feel tomorrow.

/me


:: Cameron 7/23/2003 10:35:57 PM [+] ::
...

Little soul-searching on a Monday morn.

I was asked to explain a comment made in yesterday's entry.

About how I really don't like many people

I haven't been really treated all that well by people over the years. This has made me wary of others in general and in specific. I don't trust easily at all.

Yes, this makes it difficult for me when I'm in a relationship -- especially with the wonderful Michelle -- and yes, I've probably closed the door on quite a few good people over the years, people that could have been valuable additions to my circle of friends.

Let's say I'm over at a friends' house, they're having a party. This friend is one of my favorite people in the whole world. He introduces me to 100 people. (Stretch of the imagination, but roll with it) Out of those 100 people, I doubt that I would like one of them.

Usually, I meet people and make friends on my own terms. Lucas and Deven are probably the two best examples from my time at LLC. (at least this time) In a year and a half, I met a lot of people. From all different walks of life. Some of them were cool to be around, but only Lucas (and his wife Steph-- I count them as one) and Deven were qualified by me to be friends of mine. People that I will actively hunt out to hang out with.

The year and a half in California was an aberration. I didn't have any previous groups of friends to fall back on, so I was forced to venture forth and expand. Ben, Zane (and Rhiannon), Chee, Cronin -- those four I came away from California really liking. Others were cool, but for one reason or another were disqualified.

When I lived in Carbondale, Steve McCoyne and Steve Webb were the only two that broke through my dislike of people. That was five years.

And from my Radio/TV days, only Shannon remains from what was a large group of initial friends.

None from Eastern. High School, only two people-- Darren (and Aaren) and Toby.

Michelle and I don't have common friends. We have A common friend-- Shannon. 'chelle's already intoduced me to three (and a half) people I like. Elerah and Eloric, Tonya, and the half-- just because I haven't actually talked to her or met her in person, Zeta. She's a really good candidate for breaking through though, just because she seems so fun to talk to and hang with.

Conversely, out of 'chelle's group, only have I met one person that I actively dislike. Which is beating the odds quite a bit. I'm neutral towards most of them. Whether postively or negatively disposed, it's still neutral. Haven't met most of them long enough to make up my mind.

I can see this causing problems in the future. I sure as hell hope it doesn't, but it probably will.

There's things that 'chelle does that I don't understand, and that boggle my mind. I'm sure there's attitudes that I have that do the same for her. It's strange, because I love her so much, but there are things that bother me on some levels.

Is it because I've been torched rather crispy in the past? Perhaps. Differing attitudes on what is important to me? Definitely.

Is it her fault? No. Hell no. My problems are mine. Would I be happy if she gave in to all my wishes and did what I wanted her to do? Heh. No. Then she wouldn't be her. In a way, I'm empowering her to stomp around on my heart, but I couldn't do it any different way and still be true to myself, my moral code, or her.

This is scary.

Because of what's happened to me in the past, I'm loathe to give someone that much power. But I have. I trust her as much as I can-- considering what the past has taught me-- not to do the watusi on my left ventricle.

Do I worry? Constantly. Constantly. This is almost a source of embarrassment for me, as I love her and I don't want to give her the idea that I don't-- or that I don't trust her.

Some lessons stay with you forever, and I've learned a couple of those types.

My ex- was in contact with her exes constantly, telling them when to call or when to come over (when I was at school, naturally, or over at my parents for a while). Wasn't smart about this either, as it was on my computer she was doing this. Left it for me to find out. Which I did.

This has made it so very hard for me to completely and without qualms trust anyone. Blow to the self-esteem? Yes. Large one. At least Michelle makes no excuses for still talking to her exes. Does it bother me? Yes. Maybe a bit more than I let on to Michelle, but yeah, it does.

It all boils down to me not liking people. If I don't like someone, how can I trust them with my most valued possession?

I can't say what I would really want here-- or anywhere, really. This is where I have to hope that it happens, without my input. If I told anyone, it would always be at the back of my mind-- "Is there resentment?" "Is this what is wanted by all?"

Does Michelle love me? Yes, she does. She proves that to me every day without trying to. The look in her eyes, the way she talks to me, what she does for me without me asking.

Do I love her? Yes, I do. I try to prove myself worthy of her every day. Which is why I feel bad about putting this online. I know she'll read this (as will a few others) and she'll probably feel bad -- or angry, one of the two-- and I can't say that she doesn't have reason to be.

When two people are trying to form a unit-- the "couple" unit (which is how I think of Darren and Aaren, Lucas and Steph, Zane and Rhiannon, and eventually (after I've talked with them some more and gotten to know them a bit better) Elerah and Eloric) -- there are going to be pitfalls. Two individuals cannot seamlessly combine into a whole new entity. But there are such things as alloys, which are stronger than the individual materials seperately.

I think that is what is being forged here. We're two individuals, each with our own baggage and issues and individual quirks and foibles. But when we're together, we are wonderful, stronger, better.

So don't take this as second thoughts-- there are none. This is me trying to work things out as I sit down and write.

Because these are my issues and my individual problems.

/me




:: Cameron 7/21/2003 12:03:29 PM [+] ::
...

Been a while since I posted anything.

Friday was my last GM gig for July-- actually, until late late August. Guess you could call me unemployed now. Which blows goats.

Gig went well, except for my brakes getting soft in Danville. Still drove to Terre Haute, though. Had to, y'know.

Friday 'chelle and I went over to her friend Tonya's. It's a helluva lot better when there's not a lot of people there. 'chelle tends to scoff at me when I say I'm not a sociable person, but I'm really not. I don't remember people well, and a lot of people I meet/am introduced to I really don't like. (Not at Tonya's, but in general.)

Really not a friendly guy, me. Almost a shame, but most people tend to start off with two strikes on 'em.

Got home 'round 2?ish Saturday morning, straight to bed. 'chelle had to work Saturday, which really isn't all that great, because that's eight hours we could be hanging out.

Told her I wouldn't come into her workplace, because of my brakes. Did anyway. Was good to be able to surprise her like that. Really good.

Soon as she got off of work, we packed up and zipped off like a zephyr to M'sville-- the fair was closing up last night, and Shannon and the Rev were going to be there. Demo derby (blah).

The derby actually wasn't all that bad, Rev had never seen one before, so I kept him company in the stands, the girls talked with a lot of their friends while growing up. Was a nice night. 'chelle's mom was generous, buying beverage and sustenance for the four of us. It was well appreciated.

'chelle's mom gave Shannon a bunch of Avon bottles after the fair, so we hung out there at her place. Rev and I talked comics and movies for the most part. 'chelle was falling asleep on my shoulder, so we decided it was time to go home.

All in all, it was a pleasant day. Corn dog! Every day's a carnival when you have a corn dog. Got to hang out, at least appear social even if I'm not, see a couple friends that I hadn't seen in a while, etc. etc.

Glad the girls didn't force Rev & I to hang with 'em. Not that either of 'em could force the Rev to do anything-- he's unattached-- but if 'chelle wanted me to I would have. It was much better just going off on our sorta-seperate ways, even though we never moved /that/ far.

/me

:: Cameron 7/20/2003 03:47:57 PM [+] ::
...

I'm going to pay for what I did this afternoon.

Lunchtime when I got home, right? Nothin' to eat that was lunch-able.

Hershey bar sitting there.

Tip: Cameron's allergic to chocolate. Not majorly, swell-up-and-die allergic, but allergic nontheless.

What did Cameron do?

Ate the damn Hershey bar. Milk Chocolate goodness.

But fuck am I going to pay for it this weekend. Dammit.

:: Cameron 7/17/2003 05:24:26 PM [+] ::
...

Today went well.

Got to Tilton at 9 a.m. Finished by 11:15. Which is a Good Thing.

Drive is hell to Danville. Not much farther than Terre Haute, but at least at Terre Haute Michelle's there. In Danville, there's....well...not.

Got a haircut today. Helluva lot shorter than it was. Me Likee.

That's about it for today. Won't be 'round this weekend, unless I blog from 'chelle's.

/me

Oh, and Dystopian Fields is a wonderful place. www.nationstates.net, just like it links to from the left there.
Bring the wife and kids and stay a while. Just don't venture into Corporania or Wal*Martia or Jaymon. Unless you left the kids at home. Then go to Jaymon.

:: Cameron 7/17/2003 04:02:52 PM [+] ::
...

POC's are POS's.

There's this thing that needs to be ran before I can swap out the servers. S'called a Data Migration Tool. Saves the dealership a lot of time, not having to re-enter sales data, apparently.

Asked him: "You've run the data migration tool?"
Him: "Sure did, about 30 minutes ago."
Me: "Cool."

Then I did my thing.

2 hours later.
Me: "OK, everything's finished. You need to run the data migration tool again."
Him: "The what?"
Me: "The data migration tool. I asked you about it before I started."
Him: "I thought you were talking about routine maintanance."
Me: "Um, no."

Realize that I thought the DMT was a necessity to a successful install. I had visions of having to reverse-install the old server, run the DMT, then re-re-install the new stuff.

I called the help desk in full blown panic attack.

Won't tell that conversation verbatim, but they explained that the DMT is there as a convenience for the dealer, and not necessary for a successful installation. Which brightened my day.

Not only did I get a successful installation, but the dealer that zoned when I mentioned the DMT will have to re-enter sales data.

Vindictiveness is good.

*************************

Michelle's in a mood recently. A weird one. Don't think it's because of anything I've done-- she denies it, anyway-- but it's a bit anxiety-inducing. (And yes, Michelle-- I'm aware you read this (love you) but you've complained that I haven't blogged "me" so I'm doing it. Neener)

Not horrible, stress-mounting anxiety to be sure. Very little of that in the current relationship, for which I'm eternally grateful. A large percentage of my former girlfriends have allowed things to become horrible stress-mounting anxietal problems for me, and Michelle seems bound and determined to avoid doing that. Eternally grateful^2. It bears repeating.

She's working on being able to talk her problems/issues out with me. Apparently there's been some abusive bastards in her past, and that takes a lot of time and love to get past. Both of which I'm more than willing to spend on her. More than willing.

I think the fact that I'm just so....different. I'm not a mystical person, although there's a part of me that is. I'm not an overly social critter, although there's a part of me that loves it. I'm a big fan of self-determination, not a very big believer in fate, or other-determinism.

All in all, there's some fundamental differences between the two of us. Of course, that's a part of the reason I love her so much. Our differences aren't the "deal-breakers" that some could be.

She loves the outdoors, while I'm a child of electricity and climate control. Does this cause friction? Nope. I beat down (with a large stick) my roof-centric wants and spend time with her out of doors. In turn, she does the same for me, and we find things to do indoors.

It's much the same with the other things mentioned. It's interesting, where our "beliefs" or "values" or "ideas" or "quirks" clash we tend to find a common ground pretty quickly.

And just to make this perfectly clear I'm NOT complaining.

I love her.

********************************

IN OTHER NEWS

Arachne is dying.

If anyone out there has a spare hard drive (40+ GB) I'd be happy to take it off of your hands.

Had two hard drive failures today while rebooting. One on C:\, one on D:\.

Fuck.

/me








:: Cameron 7/16/2003 10:53:40 PM [+] ::
...

Holy Shit.

I'm almost 30.

I mean no offense to those that may have already passed the age of 30. I'm sure you went through much the same thoughts as I, as I hold no assumptions about me being the only person that is staring 30 in the face and going "So. What happened to this dream?"

I wanted to be an astronaut back in first grade.
A history teacher in fifth.
Computer programmer in eighth.

I've actually been to school for two of the three (if you stretch networking to == programming, which it really doesn't)

Right now when I take stock, try and figure out where I'm at, how I got there, where I'm going, I see few good things.

Michelle. (VERY good at that)
Got some friends. (Lucas, Steph, Deven, Shannon, Darren, Aaren)

The bad mostly circulate around about the focal point of my universe (aside from 'chelle, of course) -- that being, of course, the Job Hunt.

I feel like a tribal hunter sent out to kill a sabre-toothed tiger with nothing more than a pointy stick and some flint.

**************

The birthday itself went rather well, I thought. Threw out a few resumes. Was with Michelle for most of it. Talked to Elerah for a portion (one of 'chelle's friends. Cool chickie).

'chelle and I fixed a birthday dinner, consisting of some eye of round steak, mac'n'"White Cheese", and vegetables. Ate it by candlelight in her apartment. Drank a little bit of honey mead, then went to bed.

And y'know, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Had to wake up early this morn, as it was back to the current contract gig-- which runs out after this week, at least until Aug. 26th. POC was horrendously unprepared. Hadn't anything done at all when I got there. The equipment was easy to get to, and the new stuff was right there. I could have been out of there in an hour and a half if it wasn't for the incompetence of the Point of Contact.

Blarg.

Came home, found a note written to me by my baby.

Y'know, I dig her.

/me

:: Cameron 7/15/2003 01:37:29 PM [+] ::
...

Gathering went well enough.

Everybody mentioned showed up, with the exception of The Reverend. Which, as I stated below, wasn't exactly unexpected.

D&A&A left first, as expected. Nathan actually said "later" before bolting. That was unexpected. Shannon and Ash were the next in line, then L&S and Deven took off around 2ish.

All in all it was a good night. Took five of 'em to dunk me, but I put up one hell of a fight. Don't think four would have done the job.

It's been a great birthday weekend thus far, it really has.

The fact I get all day today and tomorrow with 'chelle makes it even better. I love her, y'know. Don't know if I've said that here.

:: Cameron 7/13/2003 11:58:06 AM [+] ::
...

This may come under the heading of "things I [you] don't want to know."

Garters.
Epiphany.
Religion.

'nuff said.

Work today was shitty. Apparently there was an accident or something on Rte 130 that knocked out the power to the dealership I was working at.

For a freakin' hour and a half.

Conscientious worker bee that I am, I finished installing the equipment armed with nothing more than my screwdriver and a halogen flashlight. Go me.

Still had to wait more than an hour to do the actual installation of the software stuff. Pissed me off more than a little bit, along with the fact that the POC there (Point Of Contact) did NOT want anything to do with the project.

All in all, it was a longer day than it needed to be, and that torqued me off because right after work I was to head to Terre Haute to be with the light of my life.

Finally got here around three o'clock, when I expected to be here around 1-1.30.

Blarg.

Ah, well. I'm here, and I'm spending all weekend (and Monday) with my baby. My Snugglebunny. Yay me!

Birthday's monday. It's my "Holy Shit I'm Almost 30" birthday.

Saturday (tomorrow?) having a li'l get-together at the compound. Myself, 'chelle, Shannon, Ash, Lucas, Steph, Darren (maybe his wife Aaren and their progeny Andrew), maybe Deven, maybe Reverend, probably Nathan.

Swimming, hanging out, mostly. No cooking, no brew provided. Just hanging out. Which means Rev probably won't be there. Just an inkling. Should be cool, swimming. Might be a bit crowded. There will have to be turns taken in the hot tub, but Darren will be gone earliest, I think. Deven might take off first, being the only member of his tribe present. Nathan will get freaked out by the number of females present. He'll take off with nothing said. Just bolt. Which is one of his oddities. I'd say "endearing" but it's Nathan.

Anyway, just wanted to blog from TH tonight, kind of a bet with my baby.

/me.


:: Cameron 7/11/2003 11:43:45 PM [+] ::
...

Who'm I fooling?

I'll be online until the impending thudner & lightening storm drives me offline.

Rawr.


:: Cameron 7/9/2003 07:37:12 PM [+] ::
...

Feeling a bit better, although I'm not Shiny Happy People.

Don't think I'm going to be online a whole lot today/tonight.

Just a FYI.

Love you 'chelle.

:: Cameron 7/9/2003 01:50:31 PM [+] ::
...

I think it's official. I am in A Mood.

Don't know what got me there.

It could be because it hit home today. I'm going to be 29 in six days. I am a man-child, living under my parents' roof, no job (well, no real job.

I don't want to be here. I want to be employed-- fuck, I wouldn't care if it was phone support for an ISP. Which is my next hope. Get a shitty job working phone support while I study and take more and more certifications. But God-damn is this frustrating. I don't know where my next move is. I'm in check and it seems that everywhere I put a piece it gets offed.

Really. No shit. That's the way I feel. You'd think I could get on somewhere relatively easily, considering my knowledge and skillset and amiable personality. But no. I haven't even got a fucking interview for a full-time position. This is Disheartening. This is starting to make me question what I know, what I think, and who I am.

My worth is all tied up in how much I produce, and I've been unemployed since October of 2001 (before this consulting gig). This is a blow to the self-esteem gland. A very harsh one. I want to work. I want to work in Terre Haute-- doing something that is at least partially related to my education and skillset. I don't want to belittle anyone that reads this, but I don't want to stock the shelves at Kroger while studying for my A+, Win2kPro, Security+, et al certifications. I'd like to be working for someone doing something related!

I don't think that's too much to ask. Maybe I'm looking in the wrong spots. I have no fucking idea. And it's starting to grate on my nerves something fierce.

Thank $DEITY for Michelle, else I very well could be clinical by now.

/me
:: Cameron 7/8/2003 06:00:51 PM [+] ::
...

Not going to be online, for those five of you that I talk to online.

Should anyone wish to speak with me, call before 9.

Not in a surfin' mood, said the bird.

:: Cameron 7/7/2003 08:42:43 PM [+] ::
...

2.5 hours.

Starting to get the hang of this shiznit.

Averages out to 32 bucks/hour. Wish I could get a full-time job that paid that much.

:: Cameron 7/7/2003 01:35:07 PM [+] ::
...

This was a good weekend. It really was.

Thursday was amazing in every way. I love Michelle, and being with her on her home turf is a wonderful thing. So we couldn't get a Blondie from Applebees, big deal. The night was ours, and we took it. Wonderful time.

Friday 'chelle and I came back to the compound to be with the Akers Family on the fourth. Liz'n'The Mom had purchased fireworks previously, and the Brood were here, as well as a couple uncles and aunts of familial relation.

Fireworks were less than stellar. They were good secondary shows, but not a Main Event.

Saturday, Liz, 'chelle and I changed all that. We travelled to Indiana and purchased some kick ass stuff.

Also Saturday, 'chelle and I went to Mattoon. Partook of Shannon's lasagna, which was good despite her protestations. Rev was there, and we just shot the shit while Shan, 'chelle and Ash talked around us. It's good hanging with the Rev again. It really is. Wish Shannon'd grow a pair (figuratively, of course).

Shannon and Ash followed us back to the compound to see what we'd purchased fireworks-wise. The show didn't disappoint. Mother Nature was jealous and followed with a spectacular light show of her own. When the lightning/thunder passed, the four of us ('chelle, Shan, Ash, and myself) went swimming and 'tubbin'. Something in the water made 'chelle a bit queasy-- me as well, actually....I think it was just too hot Saturday-- so we cut it off early.

But that didn't end our night, oh no. We travelled back to Mattoon. Why, you may ask, did you travel to Mattoon at 2 a.m. on a Saturday evening?

Well, the Brood is at the compound. This means that the guest room is taken. This means that 'chelle and I would sleep in my bed. Which is tiny. Twin, I believe. This Just Isn't Done If It Could Be Helped At All. Shannon offered her bed up, she took the couch and Ash the floor. That, friends and neighbors, is friendship right there.

Still didn't sleep worth a damn, but better than I would have if 'chelle and I stayed at the compound.

Today was a lazy day. 'chelle and I got back about 1-ish, hung out, sat around outside. Went for a walk around the pond. Came inside and lay down.

There was talk today that disturbed me a little bit. 'chelle's worried about "holding me back" about keeping me from, as she put it, a "Godjob" somewhere. I think my talk of trying to get on help desk or something in TH for an ISP disturbed her. But it's not about her, really. I don't want to scrimp from contract gig to contract gig, being at the mercy of headhunters finding work in this area. I'm not too keen on moving far far away anyway.

Definitely not for the next year and a half/two years that it'll take her to get her degree. I don't want to place myself in a position where distance defeats us. Not that I think it would, per se, but distance can be a killer. And I don't want this to die an unnatural death.

During that year and a half/two years, I could spend getting my MCSE, Security+, maybe a bachelor's degree (or at least make a start at it) even with a mid-low paying gig. I could expand my knowledge, maybe grab a Cisco or Linux/Unix cert. Go to a few weekend cramsessions, and just make myself as high-powered as possible.

So...holding me back? Not at all. And besides, I wouldn't do anything that could impact "us" without discussing it with her first. And I told her as such.

Dammit, everything I feel is genuine. It's there. Am I supposed to hold back my affection just because something "may" happen? Well, that's a rule I'll break. Michelle does nothing but spur me on, inspire me to be better, so I can be better for her and for any "us" that may be a lasting thing. It makes me sad when she thinks anything like "I'm holding you back," because the converse is true. *sigh*

Another growing pain in our relationship, albeit another minor one.

And I don't believe in the "love conquers all" b.s. that my friends tend to tell me (when I ask them for advice on the small things) a relationship takes work to make it through the doldrums. 'chelle and I are doing a lot of that work now in preparation for the lean times to come. I think it'll pay off. I just wish I could instill in her a sense of confidence. As weird as it is to write, she doesn't think she deserves me. Get that. Deserves me. I'm wondering if this is the root cause of the conversation we had about her "holding me back." She mentioned that she doesn't want me to resent her, should something (jobish) come up and I don't take it.

Fat chance of me resenting the woman I love.

That is a valid concern, but not in my case. Or our case, as it may be.

A) I don't want to move from the midwest. May I, at a later date? Sure. But right now, I have no urge to depart from E.Central Illinois/W.Central Indiana.
B) I will /not/ work in Chicago or St. Louis. Indianapolis is a different story, but I don't know Indy well enough to go there, and I can't afford a weekend in "the city" to wander around putting up resumes.
C) If I get a job offer out of my "golden" area, I would discuss it with her. This could happen. Less and less likely every day, though.

Anyway, I'm all confused. This came out of the blue and smacked me upside the head today. I don't like having issues sprung on me like that, and I tend to obsess over 'em until I figure them out. And I don't want her to feel like I'm bein' a prick or somethin' about it.

Blarg.

/me



:: Cameron 7/6/2003 11:15:41 PM [+] ::
...

Happy fourth of July, to all and sundry.

10 days, 240 hours from my birthday. w00t.

All I have to say about today is, well:

96 FSCKING DEGREES

Someone needs to be shot.

:: Cameron 7/4/2003 10:01:13 PM [+] ::
...

10 o'clock on a Thursday night.

Busy day, that started at 7 a.m., with me draggin' my not-so-happy ass out of bed and getting ready for a trip to burgeoning Sullivan Illinois for another happy day of switching servers out.

Went the country way to Sullivan. Played slalom with about 450 million Amish horse-and-buggies. NEVER going to Sullivan that way again in the morning. For about five-six miles, I didn't drive in a straight line for more than 100 yards.

Anyway, day 2 at Sullivan.

Dude there-- Michael Jackson, I shit you not-- was extremely helpful with the switching, actually rushed my ass out of there because he really didn't like the fact his network was down as I was going through the GM-approved way of Doing Things.

Got done and home by 12.30, though. Can't argue with results.

'bout 1.30 came here to Terre Haute to see my darlin' Michelle. Got here at 2.30. I'm just blogging right now because we're kinda getting ready to go to Applebee's. Maybe. We've tried leaving the apartment before, but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Might be 'cuz she gets all these online messages from various and sundry cyber-partners while I'm at the keyboard.

Which is weird.

/me


:: Cameron 7/3/2003 10:08:33 PM [+] ::
...

3 hours.

That's more like it.

Now I can relax for a bit before I go to Terre Haute to be with my darlin' Michelle.


:: Cameron 7/3/2003 01:05:24 PM [+] ::
...

Sweet.
Zombie.
Jesus.

2-2.5 hours my achin' ass.

Company that built the machines had the wrong IP address on both the server and the switch.

That burned about 2-2.5 hours right there. Me pulling my hair out trying to find out what I hooked up wrong, and not finding anything 'til the time I called support, 'til THEIR support got back to me with a damned solution.

So. Five hours, first day. I need to shave that in half tomorrow.

:: Cameron 7/2/2003 04:32:55 PM [+] ::
...

Start my new job tomorrow.

Nervous as hell. More nervous than I've been for, oh...say a month or so.

Up at 7 a.m., going to leave by 7.45. That gives me an hour and 15 minutes to get there. Should be plenty of time. I hope that I've not forgotten anything, that everything goes smooth. I'm sure I'll give the impression of a simpleton when I get there, as I'll be speaking slowly to avoid my stutter/stammer. That's what I had to do a month ago. Either talk really fast and gloss over the worst offenses or talk slow to avoid them.

Blah.

I hate when I get this way. The job isn't difficult. It's pretty much below my skillset. I should have no problems. I hope to get it done within 2-2.5 hours to ensure a good hourly rate.

Just hoping that everything goes smooth. There's so many variables that can go wrong on things like this, that it bothers me. I'm really banking on doing a good job for these people, in hope that they may have other opportunities in the Terre Haute area next month.

I feel tetchy. Mind's splitting 'tween the job and Michelle.
*tetch*

Love you 'chelle.

/me.


:: Cameron 7/1/2003 09:58:20 PM [+] ::
...

Oh, and yeah-- there's a lot of Akers-created nations in there.

Trying to create a whole bunch of different types of gov'ts.

:: Cameron 7/1/2003 01:55:56 PM [+] ::
...

Should anyone want to create their own NationState at the address given to the right, feel free.

Kinda cool shiznit.

If you want to join my region, it's "Dystopian Fields" (the directions say how to do this)

Password is my first name. ;-)

:: Cameron 7/1/2003 01:52:29 PM [+] ::
...

[ http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi/target=display_nation/nation=akkerland ]

The Holy Empire of Akkerland. S'mine.

[ http://www.nationstates.net/cgi-bin/index.cgi/target=display_nation/nation=akersia ]

The Holy Empire of Akersia. Again, mine.


:: Cameron 7/1/2003 06:41:08 AM [+] ::
...

I think my sleep cycle reset yesterday.

I woke up at 6:30 yesterday. Left Terre Haute at ~ 7 a.m. More like 7.10. Drove to Charleston, as I was summoned to appear for Jury Duty.

Then to Oakland at 10ish.

Conference call for my gig at Noon. Lasted 'til 2ish.

Dad's sick. To Charleston to pick up his prescriptions.

Back to Oakland.

By 4.30 I was willing to sleep. By 7.30 I had to sleep.

Woke up at 5.30 this morning. So yadamnright I slept. Of course, I overslept, as I'm now tired from too much sleep instead of too little. My life is a life of extremes, it would seem.

:: Cameron 7/1/2003 06:13:40 AM [+] ::
...